I'm going to have a daughter.

 You.. are.. a.. GIRL. And I am still in shock. I mean, I knew the odds - 50/50. But in my mind, I was 100% mentally prepared for a boy. In my gut, however, I knew you were a girl. From the very beginning, it was this very strong, scary, intuition. Which, I know, sounds sort of ridiculous, given the equal odds - but it was truly a gut feeling. One that I didn't like to admit out loud, because.. I don't know why. Because I didn't want to jinx things? Not, of course, that a precious little boy would be less favorable, but because the thought of a girl just kind of made me giddy. For all the reasons that they do make us giddy.

At the ultrasound appointment, I was pretty wound up. I hadn't had time to really get nervous, up until that long endless wait in the waiting room. In doctors waiting rooms, I typically like to power through as many celebrity gossip magazines as possible, but that day, I just stared. At the walls, the chairs.. who even knows. My mind was going at warp speed at how very much our lives were about to change. The endless differences between a boy and girl, our futures, the planning.. everything. We were (FINALLY) called back and the ultrasound began. She told us, after measuring different things, that all looked right on target. Praise the LORD, for this was most certainly the main source of my nauesous anticipation. All looked perfect, and that was music to my ears. At that point, my adrenaline kicked in and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I literally put my hand on my chest to feel it, it was beating that hard and fast. She pointed to 'the goods' - and said that we were looking at a little girl. And my rapidly beating heart went to my throat, and my eyes watered, and I looked at Pablo in complete shock and grabbed his hand and held on for dear life. Minutes later, I finally let go and only then realized how hard I was squeezing it. Sorry! I was/am in shock.

Afterward, we went out to lunch, and just looked at each other with these stupid grins, and would say 'A lot!' - referring to how much our lives just changed. We know it's still a baby. She will still require endless diaper changes and there will still be endless sleepless nights. Still the same 'first's - smiles, clapping, words, food, tantrums, dancing...  But. She will be OUR DAUGHTER. We have never been the parents of a GIRL. I know this all sounds so dumb, as if we are the first people to ever have a girl - but this is the first girl, to us, and we are still a little bit awed by that prospect.

After lunch, we went (where do you think??!) girl! clothes! shopping!!!! It was just so darn fun. The market for baby clothes has definitely given the girls-side the edge. There's so much out there. Every cute outfit Pablo saw, he would hold up to show me, practically squealing over the immense cuteness. I still used some store-coupons, and only bought what was on sale. But still. He's going to need a raise and a promotion, and soon.

And this post is delayed because we wanted to wait to tell immediate family all in one room, on Christmas morning. We thought that us finding out 9 days prior to Christmas was an opportunity we couldn't pass up. BOY was I stupid. It has taken all the strength I possess to not blow this little secret, with just about everyone I know. At least people I don't know have been getting the good news, without them even asking (and caring, probably!). Neighbors we hardly speak with.. retail store employees.. hairdressers.. oh yes, they all have heard the news, because I HAVE to tell someone. I have literally dreamt almost every night of standing on a rooftop, or somesuch other tall building, and screaming 'We're Having A GIIIIIRL!'.

So, internets, WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First letter to you

Tomorrow we have our big 20 week ultrasound, that's main purpose is a full anatomy once-over, detecting all the potential scary things it can. That's my technical description at least. A cherry on top is a peek betweem the legs, and we find out girl or boy! Entire wedding or rehearsal dinner! I can't say that I am not worried about this ultrasound, simply because of the many many things they could tell me is wrong, but I think I'll choose to focus on how excited I am to find out if you are a little lady or a little man. And since I don't yet know, I wanted to cover both bases, writing to you from both perspectives.

If you are a boy, I hope:
~that you are an excellent little brother to Andrew. He is not the kind of kid who would push you back down, if you picked a fight with him, so in some ways I do hope you end up teaching him a healthy sense of self-defense. But more than that, I hope you go easy on him.
~that you enjoy second-hand clothes, because kid, that's just about all you'll get if you are a boy! And why not, when there are a dozen storage bins full of baby boy clothes just waiting for you. I promise they're all pretty damn cute. And your bro was/is not the type to go digging for diamonds in the yard, so they're in pristine condition!
~that you go easy on me. People have said that I'll be getting a polar opposite of Andrew, and that terrifies me because Andrew is a pretty chill little dude. I think raising a couch-diver could bring me some hard-earned life experience, but really, I am as scared of head injury as the next mom.

~that you potty-train at a reasonable age. It's rumored that girls are much easier to train than boys, and I completely lucked out with Andrew, so my hope is that you go just as smoothly. Don't worry, I've dealt with endless poop-filled underwear episodes, I have a very tough stomach by now.
~that you catch on quickly that I am not a mom who is ok with touching reptiles or insects. Sure, if it's you & dad flying solo, go to town! But when it's just me, as it often will be, there will be much distraction and redirection.
~that years from now, you don't ever spend too much time investing in a romantic relationship with someone who doesn't treat you right. Life is just too short.
~that even though 99% of people I know are telling me they are hoping it's a girl, because that's apparently just what you do when someone already has one boy, you are exactly what I prayed for. 


If you are a girl, I hope:
~that you are an excellent little sister to Andrew. As sassy as you might turn out (genetics), I hope that you remember that he's your only big brother and that he loves you very much. Don't verbally abuse him too much, he's a sensitive soul.
~that you try to remember, when you are a teen, that I BIRTHED YOU. Don't forget the 10 months (plus years of getting back to square one) of sacrificing my body (and mind), either. I know you will inevitably hate me, for no other reason than I am your mother, but I pray that you remember this time, before you were born!
~that we can someday be best friends. I had that bond with my mother, and as complicated as it was on some days, it was something so amazing I can't even describe it. If I told someone I wanted a girl, it's not because of the outfits and bows, it's because of the potential for this relationship someday.
~that you try to rise above the girl-drama of your later years. There will be many many girls who try to bring you down and make you feel less-than, and I urge you to go the other way.
~that you understand that as of right now, I have no clue how to dress a little girl. I see baby girl leggings sold, but I have no idea what the purpose of them is. As a pants replacement? No clue. We can learn all this together. It'll be ok.
~that you know right now, your first car will not, under any circumstances, be a mini-van.
~that you try your hardest to not get caught up in the food/weight obsession. I hope you enjoy good food and enjoy a good sweat, don't hold yourself up to any standard but your own.
~that you treat boys kindly, when you start dating. I wasn't always so great at this, but I never had a brother for a different kind of male perspective either, so I hope you can use yours to better yourself.
~that, if you are ever treated poorly by a boy, you remember that they're like buses. A new one every 10 minutes or so. And please don't misinterpret that. 
~that you know that, even though the thought of a girl actually kind of petrifies me a little, for complicated-girl-reasons, you are exactly what I prayed for.